Things I Learned From My Marriage and Divorce About Success

I don't think many people set out to get married with divorce in mind. I certainly meant every word of my vows when I said them and I spent 7 years with my wife trying to honor those vows. Bringing a child into the mix created a further sense of importance in the family structure and an even more imperative reminder that keeping the family together is the best thing. Despite this, my wife pulled the plug. Through out our marriage we struggled with differences in values, communication skills, working a multi-party budget (or the lack thereof) and the sometimes inevitable clashing of dreams and goals.

I'm happy to say my strong relationship with my son continues. His relationship with me as his father is the central defining guidepost I live by. Amazingly, I'm not bitter about the end of my marriage. I hold no ill will to my ex-wife. I find myself exhilarated by the enormous latitude of possibilities that are spread out in front of me.

So what character building lessons have I taken away from this experience? Wow, I certainly grew by light years being in a serious relationship for so long. Prior to being married, life for me was one big party. Settling down and learning what the real priorities of life are has been an awe inspiring lesson. Having a child redefines almost everything overnight. The reckless risks I would take a decade ago would never occur to me now.

One thing I really became aware of is the emerging changes to the family structure and how expectations are really out of whack in contemporary relationships. I grew up believing in fairy tales, but I have always had a deep sense of responsibility and a strong tendency toward realism. As my marriage progressed I couldn't understand why my wife, a homemaker, refused to tend to the needs my Mother so diligently took care of for my Father. There is an overlap between the old way and the new way and it can be very toxic. From my perspective, I watched her believe in the fairy tale when it came to the knight rushing in to save the princess. But that is usually where the fairy tale ends...they lived happily ever after. I think to some degree women still like to be taken care of but I think the part of the story that needs to be told is that a) the princess can be saved...even every day, but she must tend to the battle wounds the knight receives out on the battle field. The knight can't keep winning if he has another dragon to fight when he gets home every day. b) it was always the princess who won the knight's love, not the evil queen.

I'm not a male chauvenist. I love to see women live powerfully. But when the exchange of power becomes a battle of wills, it really boils down to what my college biology professor used to exclaim every morning, Lead, Follow, or GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I've learned you can't negotiate with ultimatums. Relationships are built on compromise, trust, honesty and good communication.

Most importantly, I've learned that sometimes reality can redefine your values. I don't believe in divorce. Here I am, living without my wife. The moral dilemna is one I'm still reckoning with, but I know that somehow this is the best thing. I had grown as far as I could in my marriage. Truthfully I was exhausted by carrying so much of the weight in the relationship.

My wife accused me of resenting having a family. Nothing could have been further from the truth. What I did resent though, was feeling that I was the "hired hand" that slept in the guest room and was expected to work and support a woman who didn't love me.

Will I date, or marry again? Marriage is a serious subject, a very serious commitment. I can't say I will or won't. I'm in no rush to date again, though I'd say the possibilities are already being presented. (Some very tempting indeed!)

Finally, I'll tell you one more gem I gained from my relationship. This has proven true in my business life as well. You usually end up with whatever you negotiate in the beginning. It's important to be clear what your expectations are, and communicate them effectively, then never settle for less.

All the best!
Bill White

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